It's weird how life goes. I went to watch a movie tonight, expecting to relate to the younger character in his dealings with his father. I ended up seeing a portrayal of how my life could have gone a couple of months ago.
I wont be divulging the plot of the movie (Being Flynn), see it for yourself.
I recognized so much of my past situations and dealings of the last 3 years in the plot that it became quite scary. I could easily see myself sleeping on a bench in a park, in the heart of winter. Or in a homeless shelter, sharing a bunk-bed with a guy I've never see before. All the sleepless nights, the wandering around. All looked so familiar and yet so foreign. It was like realizing what lies beyond the bend in the road.
This film made me quite sad, yet at the same time it helped me pick up my spirits. Yes! It could have been that bad or even worse, But it didn't get to be like that.
Why not? You ask?
Because I loved myself enough not to let it get that far. Now I realize that.
I still have ways to go on my way to recovery, but I' m getting there. Slowly, but surely.
I'm well aware of the fact that this entry is not up to the standard of many of my previous ones. But this one is all about that "I coulda been your bunkmate"
October 10, 2012
March 11, 2012
Kracht?
Wees gewaarschuwd, de volgende tekst is niet luchtig of licht. Het is een zware en donkere passage.
Maybe someday I’ll translate it to english, but not now.
Ik heb geen kracht meer om door te gaan. Waar moet ik kracht uit putten?
Ik ben uitgeput, de bron is opgedroogd. Er rest niks dan een troebel laagje onderin.
De meesten putten kracht en de wil om door te gaan, uit hun geloof. Dit is voor mij niet weggelegd. Vind ik net iets te zweverig, kan ik me in het dagelijks leven niet aan vasthouden. Tegelijkertijd, ben ik jaloers op hun, zij hebben houvast. Gevolg hiervan is dat ik mijn kracht zal moeten halen uit mijn gevoel van eigen waarde en voldoening. “A job well done” zoals het in het engels gezegd wordt.
Wat nou als dit gevoel er niet meer is? Als het balans zoek is? Als professional, voel ik me gesterkt. Keer op keer, zie ik resultaat. een schouderklopje hier, een glimlach daar. In m’n privé-leven, merk ik dat m’n incasserend vermogen alsmaar blijft afnemen. Ik geraak sneller en sneller uit balans en verward.
Ik heb het gevoel alsof ik de afgelopen 20 jaar, van de ene mislukking in de andere rol. Zelfs goed-doordachte plannen gaan mis. Elke keer sta ik weer op en begin van nul, soms zelfs van lager dan nul.
De fysieke klachten en pijntjes van een heel leven lang eisen ook psychisch hun tol. Terugkrabbelen wordt moeilijker. Het al-dan-niet bestaan van een stabiel liefdesleven zou niet mogen meetellen. Na de zoveelste afwijzing, begin je jezelf wel af te vragen of je nog wel *IETS* te bieden hebt.
Persoonlijk, zie ik niet meer in *wat* ik te bieden heb. Ook het gevoel dat ik niks meer te verliezen heb was heel erg sterk en nadrukkelijk aanwezig. Er onstond in mijn hoofd een (korte) lijst met mensen die toch een persoonlijk afscheidsbriefje zouden moeten krijgen. De tekst voor een algmene tekst stond al vast in m’n hoofd. En sinds vrijdagavond ook als notitie in mijn telefoon. Nu nog een plek en een manier vinden.
Hoe egoïstisch ik ook wou zijn, ik kon niet doorgaan. Omwille van deze mensen niet! Dit was geen nieuws voor me, ik heb me niet voor niks van hun afgezonderd de afgelopen dagen. Het mocht niet baten, ik wist precies welke stappen er uit liefde en vastberadenheid genomen zouden worden.
Ik kijk nog eens in de put, het laagje water glinstert als zilver. Het glinstert met het sprankje hoop die ze hebben. In mij zelf brand dit lichtje (nog) niet, maar ik heb de komende tijd genoeg aan hun licht, hun knuffels en e feit dat zij mij WEL de moeite waard vinden.
Met hun hulp en die van anderen, sla ik mezelf ook deze keer er door heen.
December 31, 2011
The more things change....
Today marks the end of yet another year on the Gregorian calender. A perfect moment for retrospection and analysis.
Last night, I was listening to a song from way back in my youth and I realized that this year wasn't as different as different as some years from when I was in my late teens to early twenties. It's a comforting thought, but at the same time it makes me wonder how intelligent we as the human race really are. We don't seem to learn from our past. My hope for 2012 and beyond is the might all grow to be better people and that as a whole we might progress past pettiness.
Take for example 1985:
There was famine in Africa. People were starving left and right. A group of singers and songwriters decided to throw money at it. People were given fish, but were never taught to fish. In 2011, people were still starving in Africa.
Many charities are still out there trying to the poorest of the poorest. I find this quite commendable, but somehow this is not enough. Human egoism and egotism are still taking their toll.
Not all of us are cut out for charity work. But I don't think we should only chuck money at problems from our comfy homes. Mentalities will have to change all over and that is something we can all help achieve. We're not all cut out to be charity workers or social workers. Nonetheless, we are all teachers. We teach by example. a kind word here, a helping hand there, these seemingly gestures start out as ripples in a pond, but can grow to be huge waves of positiveness.
Actually, this wasn't even the song I was listening to. I was listening to "Civil War" by Guns and Roses. It seems as if the same old wars are still going on. Different countries maybe, but it's the same thing all over again.
Hence:
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Last night, I was listening to a song from way back in my youth and I realized that this year wasn't as different as different as some years from when I was in my late teens to early twenties. It's a comforting thought, but at the same time it makes me wonder how intelligent we as the human race really are. We don't seem to learn from our past. My hope for 2012 and beyond is the might all grow to be better people and that as a whole we might progress past pettiness.
Take for example 1985:
There was famine in Africa. People were starving left and right. A group of singers and songwriters decided to throw money at it. People were given fish, but were never taught to fish. In 2011, people were still starving in Africa.
Many charities are still out there trying to the poorest of the poorest. I find this quite commendable, but somehow this is not enough. Human egoism and egotism are still taking their toll.
Not all of us are cut out for charity work. But I don't think we should only chuck money at problems from our comfy homes. Mentalities will have to change all over and that is something we can all help achieve. We're not all cut out to be charity workers or social workers. Nonetheless, we are all teachers. We teach by example. a kind word here, a helping hand there, these seemingly gestures start out as ripples in a pond, but can grow to be huge waves of positiveness.
Actually, this wasn't even the song I was listening to. I was listening to "Civil War" by Guns and Roses. It seems as if the same old wars are still going on. Different countries maybe, but it's the same thing all over again.
Hence:
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
December 26, 2011
One tool to rule them all
It's incredible how much of how personal information is being aggregated nowadays. Worst part of it, is that we're doing most of it ourselves. Albeit, with the 'help' of certain big corporations. Facebook, Picasa, Blogger, Google+, LinkedIn etc etc, we're being given the choice to connect them and 'manage' our information better. But should we really be doing this? Have we really thought about all we're putting together.
With all the information we're putting 'out there' on the net, I wonder what the next generation of secret questions are going to be for password recovery. It's hard to choose "What is your mother's maiden-name" when your mom is on your Facebook list and sharing information like that herself.
I've been using a set of tools to facilitate keeping my address-book and birthday calender up to date, but sometimes they really scare me. And I mean they REALLY scare me.
Just imagine the following:
You meet a nice guy or girl in a bar and you exchange first name and e-mail address. By next morning, you know this person's last name, date of birth and place of work. All, without having to do a lot of digging around. Or, even worse, without any extra effort. All because this person's information is publicly available on the internet and interconnected.
At one time or another, we all say that we have nothing to hide. But is that really so? It doesn't necessarily mean that we want all our information indiscriminately available for all and sundry.
So next time you put your information out here on the Internet, think what you are sharing and who you are sharing it with. It might even be a good idea to compartmentalize different aspects of your private life. At least, try to keep professional and private information apart from each other.
I might be overreacting, but decide for yourself. Google yourself and see if you were aware of all the info that you find shared.
With all the information we're putting 'out there' on the net, I wonder what the next generation of secret questions are going to be for password recovery. It's hard to choose "What is your mother's maiden-name" when your mom is on your Facebook list and sharing information like that herself.
I've been using a set of tools to facilitate keeping my address-book and birthday calender up to date, but sometimes they really scare me. And I mean they REALLY scare me.
Just imagine the following:
You meet a nice guy or girl in a bar and you exchange first name and e-mail address. By next morning, you know this person's last name, date of birth and place of work. All, without having to do a lot of digging around. Or, even worse, without any extra effort. All because this person's information is publicly available on the internet and interconnected.
At one time or another, we all say that we have nothing to hide. But is that really so? It doesn't necessarily mean that we want all our information indiscriminately available for all and sundry.
So next time you put your information out here on the Internet, think what you are sharing and who you are sharing it with. It might even be a good idea to compartmentalize different aspects of your private life. At least, try to keep professional and private information apart from each other.
I might be overreacting, but decide for yourself. Google yourself and see if you were aware of all the info that you find shared.
November 12, 2011
Still going on
I just realized how long it's been since I last posted something on my blog. I keep finding new things to write about. Once home, they slip my mind. It must be an age thing. :)
I've been limiting my time at the keyboard lately due to health issues. My shoulder has been acting up again and we're at an impasse. It doesn't take the hint that it should just buckle up and get back to work and I wont take the hint that it might be a good thing to visit a doctor.
With all respect for these learned individuals, I never seem to get a clear-cut answer out of any one of them. Maybe I just expect too much.
These past months have been yet another roller-coaster experience. Not going to think too much about the negatives right now. There are much memories.
Folks, I got a baby brother. How many people in their forties can say that? Who cares that he's in his early twenties by now? He's still the Benjamin among us. We're forging a relationship and making up for lost time.
Maybe we three brothers should go have some kind of team-building experience. Would be hilarious.
Just a thought for all the people out there who have issues with their siblings or are estranged:
"Family above all" and "Blood will out"
May 8, 2011
Rookverbod
Langzamerhand, wordt het in heel de wereld verboden om in openbare gelegenheden te roken. Als reden wordt algemeen belang en volksgezondheid aangedragen. Behalve in Nederland. Hier werd het rookverbod ingesteld om de werknemers te beschermen. Ze schijnen het recht te hebben op een rookvrije werkplek. Er werden mazen in de wet gevonden en opeens staan overal weer de asbakken op tafel. Officieel mag het nog steeds niet maar het wordt, typisch voor Nederland, gedoogd.
Als een ex-roker en iemand die niet van de geur van sigaretten houdt, pleit ik voor het terugdraaien van het rookverbod zoals het op dit moment in de wet staat.
Toen het roken in de horeca nog mocht, hingen er meestal wel van die filters. Ze waren wellicht niet 100% in staat om de stank tegen te gaan, maar het was in ieder geval iets. Tegenwoordig staan de kleine cafe's weer vol met rokers en mee-rokers. Alleen die filters nog. Als er weer gerookt mag worden, kunnen die verplicht worden gesteld.
Het is wel jammer dat de uitbaters van kleine kroegjes en cafe's zo getroffen werden door zo'n half-doordachte wet. Desinvestering voor zij die zo'n filter hadden en het massaal uitblijven van het publiek. Je zou bijna pleiten voor een schadeloosstelling, zij het dat het dan weer uit onze belastingcenten wordt betaald.
Mochten we met ons allen vinden dat een rookverbod wenselijk is, dan kunnen we het beste kijken naar hoe anderen het voor elkaar hebben gekregen.
Als een ex-roker en iemand die niet van de geur van sigaretten houdt, pleit ik voor het terugdraaien van het rookverbod zoals het op dit moment in de wet staat.
Toen het roken in de horeca nog mocht, hingen er meestal wel van die filters. Ze waren wellicht niet 100% in staat om de stank tegen te gaan, maar het was in ieder geval iets. Tegenwoordig staan de kleine cafe's weer vol met rokers en mee-rokers. Alleen die filters nog. Als er weer gerookt mag worden, kunnen die verplicht worden gesteld.
Het is wel jammer dat de uitbaters van kleine kroegjes en cafe's zo getroffen werden door zo'n half-doordachte wet. Desinvestering voor zij die zo'n filter hadden en het massaal uitblijven van het publiek. Je zou bijna pleiten voor een schadeloosstelling, zij het dat het dan weer uit onze belastingcenten wordt betaald.
Mochten we met ons allen vinden dat een rookverbod wenselijk is, dan kunnen we het beste kijken naar hoe anderen het voor elkaar hebben gekregen.
May 3, 2011
Shame
I must admit that I felt ashamed and disgusted today. A son, brother and father died and all over the world people celebrate this death.
Yes, he was the leader of one of the most violent and despised organisations of the last 70 years. Yes, he was a thorn in our side, the bane of our existence. Under his command and in his name, thousands of people were assassinated. Such acts should be abhorred!
We should never forget all the people who gave their lives willingly and unwillingly in this guerilla war. The killing of Usama bin Laden, should be seen as a legitimate act of war, a consequence of the choices he's made.
Just as it was uncalled for when some people around the world celebrated our casualties, it is uncalled for for us to celebrate his death. I feel that any and all deaths should make us pause and meditate on the loss of a life. By shamelessly celebrating a death, any death, we show our lack of respect for creation. And we show that we are not much better than those we oppose.
We should celebrate, yes. Let us celebrate that so many people have not died in vain. Let us celebrate that yet another terrorist organisation has been disrupted, at least for a while. Let us celebrate with dignity. Let us celebrate that JUSTICE has been served. Let us NOT rejoice in revenge. For revenge is not ours to take1. If you are not led by Christian values, at least let yourself be guided by the Declaration of Human Rights2 and the Geneva convention3. We should measure ourselves, not by how we treat our friends, but by how we treat our enemies.
This coming May fourth at 20:00 CET, the Netherlands will hold 2 minute silence for all who died in the different wars. No matter where you live, I want to ask you to take just two minutes out of your day and give thanks for all who have fought and given their lives for JUSTICE, PEACE and FREEDOM.
Yes, he was the leader of one of the most violent and despised organisations of the last 70 years. Yes, he was a thorn in our side, the bane of our existence. Under his command and in his name, thousands of people were assassinated. Such acts should be abhorred!
We should never forget all the people who gave their lives willingly and unwillingly in this guerilla war. The killing of Usama bin Laden, should be seen as a legitimate act of war, a consequence of the choices he's made.
Just as it was uncalled for when some people around the world celebrated our casualties, it is uncalled for for us to celebrate his death. I feel that any and all deaths should make us pause and meditate on the loss of a life. By shamelessly celebrating a death, any death, we show our lack of respect for creation. And we show that we are not much better than those we oppose.
We should celebrate, yes. Let us celebrate that so many people have not died in vain. Let us celebrate that yet another terrorist organisation has been disrupted, at least for a while. Let us celebrate with dignity. Let us celebrate that JUSTICE has been served. Let us NOT rejoice in revenge. For revenge is not ours to take1. If you are not led by Christian values, at least let yourself be guided by the Declaration of Human Rights2 and the Geneva convention3. We should measure ourselves, not by how we treat our friends, but by how we treat our enemies.
This coming May fourth at 20:00 CET, the Netherlands will hold 2 minute silence for all who died in the different wars. No matter where you live, I want to ask you to take just two minutes out of your day and give thanks for all who have fought and given their lives for JUSTICE, PEACE and FREEDOM.
April 18, 2011
Ten years
Last Friday, the 15th of April it was the 10th anniversary of my emigration to The Netherlands. A good moment to pause and take stock of all that's happened in these years. It's been a decade of highs and lows, of sorrow but also of immense joy.
Some events of my last two weeks on Curacao are engraved in my mind and heart. I visited my most beloved places and took the sights in, recording the views, the smells and the people in my heart. This is the Curacao I will always remember. I fondly remember all my friends who were with me till the end and even where present at the airport amidst my family. Your friends are the family that you choose.
I also remember panicking at the last moment because I needed a new a pair of shoes. The last frantic trip home, making sure that I wasn't late. And the family-friend who insisted to drive me to Hato (airport.) Neither, will I forget a certain person who left work early on my last day on the job, just so he wouldn't have to say good-bye. The reason will always be between him and his god.
I arrived in The Netherlands, with a bag full of illusions and a heart full of hope. Once here, I got a lot of love and support from friends and family here. Within six weeks I had a job, too bad it didn't work out. Within two weeks of quitting that one, I landed the job I still have. After five months of searching, I found an apartment to call my home. Within a couple of years, it was too small and I just needed a bigger one. I had to prove to myself and everyone, at all costs, that coming here was a good choice.
Remember the new shoes? Talk about a bad decision, wearing new shoes on a transcontinental flight. Or wearing those same shoes while beating the streets looking for a job. Major blisters and pain were my reward!
These past ten years, I recognized a lot of my illusions for what they were. I've seen people at their best and I've seen people at their worst. The latter being at the moment I could most use a helping hand, shoulder or ear. Many friends turned acquaintances or even strangers, sometimes all due to me. On the other hand, some strangers turned out to be awesome friends.
Some family members passed away, some were added to the family. I even found new members of my extended family. The one family member I'm really grateful I 'found' is my younger brother. It sure was worth it to, to put childish ways behind us1.
Sometimes, I wonder if migrating was such a good idea at all. I think I will let history be the judge of that. I do know that I was working myself to the ground back then. How many years of working 50 to 60 hours a week can one take? I still make 18-20 hour days, but with much more time for myself interspersed. I went from working 50-60 hrs a week to 36 hour weeks. This must be much healthier.
I had the chance to travel and see places I've never been before. Discovered new hobbies and interests. I remember celebrating NYE in Paris, amidst loads of strangers from all over the world and enjoying it. This past NYE, saw me in one of my darkest periods and even here a friend stretched out his hand and practically forced me to enjoy myself. I even got to try ice-skating for the first time and didn't fall.
Not all decisions I made in the past decade were the best or the most intelligent, but they were mine. Let us not forget that every single step we took, every decision we made shaped us into the person we are. If nothing else, I learned a couple of lessons of it all and will learn more in the future. That is not to say that life didn't throw a spanner in the works. After falling into the same trap as before, I've been forced to reconsider my life and priorities. I just hope to be a better person at the end of it all.
I made a new home here in The Netherlands, for better or worse. They say we never forget our first love and it's true, I will never forget my "Dushi Kòrsou."
Some events of my last two weeks on Curacao are engraved in my mind and heart. I visited my most beloved places and took the sights in, recording the views, the smells and the people in my heart. This is the Curacao I will always remember. I fondly remember all my friends who were with me till the end and even where present at the airport amidst my family. Your friends are the family that you choose.
I also remember panicking at the last moment because I needed a new a pair of shoes. The last frantic trip home, making sure that I wasn't late. And the family-friend who insisted to drive me to Hato (airport.) Neither, will I forget a certain person who left work early on my last day on the job, just so he wouldn't have to say good-bye. The reason will always be between him and his god.
I arrived in The Netherlands, with a bag full of illusions and a heart full of hope. Once here, I got a lot of love and support from friends and family here. Within six weeks I had a job, too bad it didn't work out. Within two weeks of quitting that one, I landed the job I still have. After five months of searching, I found an apartment to call my home. Within a couple of years, it was too small and I just needed a bigger one. I had to prove to myself and everyone, at all costs, that coming here was a good choice.
Remember the new shoes? Talk about a bad decision, wearing new shoes on a transcontinental flight. Or wearing those same shoes while beating the streets looking for a job. Major blisters and pain were my reward!
These past ten years, I recognized a lot of my illusions for what they were. I've seen people at their best and I've seen people at their worst. The latter being at the moment I could most use a helping hand, shoulder or ear. Many friends turned acquaintances or even strangers, sometimes all due to me. On the other hand, some strangers turned out to be awesome friends.
Some family members passed away, some were added to the family. I even found new members of my extended family. The one family member I'm really grateful I 'found' is my younger brother. It sure was worth it to, to put childish ways behind us1.
Sometimes, I wonder if migrating was such a good idea at all. I think I will let history be the judge of that. I do know that I was working myself to the ground back then. How many years of working 50 to 60 hours a week can one take? I still make 18-20 hour days, but with much more time for myself interspersed. I went from working 50-60 hrs a week to 36 hour weeks. This must be much healthier.
I had the chance to travel and see places I've never been before. Discovered new hobbies and interests. I remember celebrating NYE in Paris, amidst loads of strangers from all over the world and enjoying it. This past NYE, saw me in one of my darkest periods and even here a friend stretched out his hand and practically forced me to enjoy myself. I even got to try ice-skating for the first time and didn't fall.
Not all decisions I made in the past decade were the best or the most intelligent, but they were mine. Let us not forget that every single step we took, every decision we made shaped us into the person we are. If nothing else, I learned a couple of lessons of it all and will learn more in the future. That is not to say that life didn't throw a spanner in the works. After falling into the same trap as before, I've been forced to reconsider my life and priorities. I just hope to be a better person at the end of it all.
I made a new home here in The Netherlands, for better or worse. They say we never forget our first love and it's true, I will never forget my "Dushi Kòrsou."
April 6, 2011
Old fashioned?
Last night I was invited for a walk along the beach, followed by drinks in at the bar in a nice hotel. A nice and old fashioned romantic date. Only, it wasn't a date, just two friends spending time together. But, that's not the topic of this blog.
I grew up in a time and society where, as a male, you observed a certain decorum towards the female of the species. Little things like holding doors open, standing up when greeting a lady etc. I understand that not all these niceties are practical in all situations, but still.
Try to picture the following: Boy and girl go out for dinner at a (not so cheap) restaurant. Body language screams "We're a couple." Boy walks ahead of her to their table and sits down, girl arrives at table and sits down. Nothing wrong with that you'd say?
To me it's rude. In my eyes, he should have guided her to their table, check which seat she wanted and maybe even hold it out for her before sitting. To me this is all common courtesy, like giving up your seat to pregnant ladies or the elderly on public transport.
Now you'll tell me it was a one off and the guy was just rude, well think again. Not 10 minutes later, a second couple arrives and nearly the same thing happened. In the last case, the Maître half-heartedly held out the chair for her.
I commented this to my friend and he found it quite normal. My friend and the two guys belong to roughly the same demographic group ( mid-twenties, males and Caucasian), the only difference is that he's a friend of Dorothy.
These scenes left me questioning myself and society as a whole.
a) Am I just old-fashioned
b) Did the equal rights movement kill chivalry?
c) Are we turning into an egoistic and egocentric society?
d) All of the above
e) It was just a fluke?
I secretly hope for e.
April 3, 2011
Life begins at forty, a retrospective
As the magical date approaches, I start thinking about the truthfulness of this adage. The more I think about it, the more I believe it to be a fallacy.
If life really begins at forty, that would mean that all my life so fas has been inconsequential. To even contemplate this, depresses me much more than the simple act of turning 39+1. It would mean that anything I've gone through all these years is nothing compared with what has yet to come. Talk about scary.
By no means am I saying that my life has been inherently harder than anyone else's. I'm not stating that I've had a better life either. All I can say is that it has been *my* life. So far, I've led a life of ups and down. Of love and of hurt, but never of hate. I can honestly say that I never hated anyone, nor did I ever set out to intentionally hurt anyone. While there are some things that I might have done differently, I am not going to apologize for any thought, word, action or even inaction. These are all things that made me into the man I am today. To apologize would mean to negate the lessons I've learned or will be learning. I do acknowledge that some situations could have been handled differently, but that how life is. There is no use crying over spilled milk.
In the last 14607 days, I've met a lot of people who have made an impact on my life. Some more pronounced than others. In some cases, the impact has been like fine mist on blotting paper. Other people have been like the proverbial bull in a china shop. Even so, my thanks goes to all of you. my life would have been so much duller without you.
The next 3655 (and a half) days of my life will be anything but boring. I vow to myself to live my life to the fullest, to seize the day. I will relish in the full range of emotions yet again from the highest of the high, to the lowest of the love, for such is the nature of life.
This coming 7th of April at 11:07 GMT I will celebrate my 40th year alive. And I lived it all *My way*
As a last thought to all who deem it their right to judge me on the life I have lived and the choices I've made, all I want to say is that *I am what I am*
If life really begins at forty, that would mean that all my life so fas has been inconsequential. To even contemplate this, depresses me much more than the simple act of turning 39+1. It would mean that anything I've gone through all these years is nothing compared with what has yet to come. Talk about scary.
By no means am I saying that my life has been inherently harder than anyone else's. I'm not stating that I've had a better life either. All I can say is that it has been *my* life. So far, I've led a life of ups and down. Of love and of hurt, but never of hate. I can honestly say that I never hated anyone, nor did I ever set out to intentionally hurt anyone. While there are some things that I might have done differently, I am not going to apologize for any thought, word, action or even inaction. These are all things that made me into the man I am today. To apologize would mean to negate the lessons I've learned or will be learning. I do acknowledge that some situations could have been handled differently, but that how life is. There is no use crying over spilled milk.
In the last 14607 days, I've met a lot of people who have made an impact on my life. Some more pronounced than others. In some cases, the impact has been like fine mist on blotting paper. Other people have been like the proverbial bull in a china shop. Even so, my thanks goes to all of you. my life would have been so much duller without you.
The next 3655 (and a half) days of my life will be anything but boring. I vow to myself to live my life to the fullest, to seize the day. I will relish in the full range of emotions yet again from the highest of the high, to the lowest of the love, for such is the nature of life.
This coming 7th of April at 11:07 GMT I will celebrate my 40th year alive. And I lived it all *My way*
As a last thought to all who deem it their right to judge me on the life I have lived and the choices I've made, all I want to say is that *I am what I am*
December 29, 2010
Annus Horribilis
This has been the worst of year of my life, this has been the best year of my life. It has been a year of lows, it has been a year of highs. It’s been a year of betrayals, it’s been a year of deepened friendships.
This has officially been my Annus Horribilis!
But even through all this, I’ve had friends who went beyond the call of friendship. Friends who were there for me and helped me make it through the worst of it. Friends who, through acts of human decency, quite literally, saved my life.
Just remember folks, as it says in the Talmud: “And whoever saves a single life, the Bible considers it as if he saved an entire world”
There are also people out there who utterly disappointed me. I chose to use those as, yet another, life lesson.
And even if I haven’t asked you for help in this past year, or even though I haven’t approached you directly, by being a real friend, you made my 2010 just a little more bearable. For that, I thank you.
This has officially been my Annus Horribilis!
But even through all this, I’ve had friends who went beyond the call of friendship. Friends who were there for me and helped me make it through the worst of it. Friends who, through acts of human decency, quite literally, saved my life.
Just remember folks, as it says in the Talmud: “And whoever saves a single life, the Bible considers it as if he saved an entire world”
There are also people out there who utterly disappointed me. I chose to use those as, yet another, life lesson.
And even if I haven’t asked you for help in this past year, or even though I haven’t approached you directly, by being a real friend, you made my 2010 just a little more bearable. For that, I thank you.
you raise me up.
October 9, 2010
Netherlands Antilles: The end of an era
The time is coming to say a heartfelt "Fare thee well" to our sister-islands in what was the Netherlands Antilles. Though we're spreading our wings and going our separate ways, let us not forget the good times. Let's pledge to be there for another, now and in the future.
A big thank you also to all who worked hard to get us to this point. Let us not forget the people who fought hard for the first "Statuut voor het Koninkrijk der Nederlanden" that formed the Netherlands Antilles. This was the first step of on long road we marched.
Let us take a moment also to remember also people like G.F.Croes who set the precedence and achieved Status Aparte for Aruba in 1986. He fought for this same thing for his island and he too achieved it in 1986.
Let us also be thankful for all who did their best to make the Netherlands Antilles function all these years. A big thanks to all those who through the years were our worthy representatives in their respective fields.
Let all of us who where born as Dutch Antilleans spend these last hours to show the world that we are a nation of individuals who can make their country proud of them.
Fare thee well
June 19, 2010
Triumph & Disaster
Earlier this morning, as I was watching some video's on YouTube, two of them really struck me. Name A reading of If, by Rudyard Kipling and a rendition of the Triumphal March from Aïda, by Verdi.
What struck me is how If enumerates virtues by which one can be considered to be a man, and the march from Aïda is what all associate with victory, with achieving ones goals.
It struck me that, besides immediate goals at work, I don't have many hopes and dreams at the moment. I seem to be just going through the motions. Not living, but surviving. A couple of days ago, somebody remarked that I turned into a much more closed and private person these past months. Up until that moment, I hadn't realized that. But it's true. I weigh and measure what I share more and more. Maybe it's a logical consequence of what I've been going through these past 2 years. At the same time, I have to acknowledge that fact that I have made at least one friend in the past 2 months, while a sort of understanding has been developing with someone I've known for a while now.
These past months have also shown me the value of true friendship. And even though I have been remiss the last couple of weeks, I will not forget my friends who stood by me when I needed them most. Those who, when asked didn't offer the least bit of acknowledgment will not be forgotten either.
Returning to the subject of hopes and dreams, I guess it's some kind of defense mechanism. If you don't get your hopes up, they wont be shattered.
A few more days and it will be the Summer Solstice, what I hope for is a break, that life may take a turn for the better. In the meantime, I will keep the words from Antonio Machado in my mind: "Caminante no hay camino, se hace camino al andar" (The path is not preset, you make it while walking)
I just have to take the initiative and make my own path. Whether it veers to the left, right or goes straight ahead, it will still be my path of my own choosing.
And this will be my triumph amidst the disaster.
What struck me is how If enumerates virtues by which one can be considered to be a man, and the march from Aïda is what all associate with victory, with achieving ones goals.
It struck me that, besides immediate goals at work, I don't have many hopes and dreams at the moment. I seem to be just going through the motions. Not living, but surviving. A couple of days ago, somebody remarked that I turned into a much more closed and private person these past months. Up until that moment, I hadn't realized that. But it's true. I weigh and measure what I share more and more. Maybe it's a logical consequence of what I've been going through these past 2 years. At the same time, I have to acknowledge that fact that I have made at least one friend in the past 2 months, while a sort of understanding has been developing with someone I've known for a while now.
These past months have also shown me the value of true friendship. And even though I have been remiss the last couple of weeks, I will not forget my friends who stood by me when I needed them most. Those who, when asked didn't offer the least bit of acknowledgment will not be forgotten either.
Returning to the subject of hopes and dreams, I guess it's some kind of defense mechanism. If you don't get your hopes up, they wont be shattered.
A few more days and it will be the Summer Solstice, what I hope for is a break, that life may take a turn for the better. In the meantime, I will keep the words from Antonio Machado in my mind: "Caminante no hay camino, se hace camino al andar" (The path is not preset, you make it while walking)
I just have to take the initiative and make my own path. Whether it veers to the left, right or goes straight ahead, it will still be my path of my own choosing.
And this will be my triumph amidst the disaster.
March 26, 2010
The day of tomorrow...
I was just reading an article in the magazine we publish at the office and one sentence really struck a cord with me. "The day of tomorrow isn't promised to anyone"
While this is true for everybody on this world, this applies all the more for people who are chronically (and terminally) ill. As a family member or as a friend, we sometimes tend to forget this little truth.
I my case, I think it's an auto-defence mechanism, a way to make sure that you and your loved one can live life with a semblance of normalcy.
I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one who developed this mechanism to cope with it all. Sometimes you just don't WANT to know, because then you'll have to deal with the implications.
Take for example the case of my mum. She's been showing Lupus-related symptoms since age 15, that would make it a 40+ year span. In linked article describing SLE, they talk about a survival rate in United States, Canada, and Europe of approximately 95% at five years, 90% at 10 years, and 78% at 20 years. What kind of rate does that leave somebody after 40+ years, you ask yourself?
In my mum's case, she wasn't (correctly) diagnosed until many years later, which is a blessing in disguise. Pregnancy is a high risk in the case of this illness, I'm glad she didn't know before, otherwise, I wouldn't be here today.
But on the other hand she's never been one to blindly do as told, she's always been a feisty woman. Maybe as a result of having to fight pains all her adult life.
This brings me back to the guy I was reading about, I know him personally too. I just can't imagine how it is to be in your late teens and be told that you have a degenerative and fatal disease. I'm quite sure he's had (and still has) his bad moments, but nonetheless he still soldiers on. Still looks for challenges and opportunities in stead of just giving up and living from day to day.
He still goes and studies and wants to help others, to give back. In the time I've known him, I haven't seen him with a frown on his face, he's always trying to cheer others up. Maybe it's his way of cheering himself up too.
For once, I don't even know where I'm trying to go with this blog. Maybe all I'm trying to say is, don't let yourself be beaten down. and if you know somebody with a chronic disease or some other kind of limitation, don't forget that they are still individuals like you and I, not a case-number, not some anonymous statistic. Help, when help truly needed and when asked for, just like you would do to any other good friend.
And meanwhile, live each day as if it could be your last. If you love somebody, don't wait till tomorrow to tell them for tomorrow may never come.
While this is true for everybody on this world, this applies all the more for people who are chronically (and terminally) ill. As a family member or as a friend, we sometimes tend to forget this little truth.
I my case, I think it's an auto-defence mechanism, a way to make sure that you and your loved one can live life with a semblance of normalcy.
I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one who developed this mechanism to cope with it all. Sometimes you just don't WANT to know, because then you'll have to deal with the implications.
Take for example the case of my mum. She's been showing Lupus-related symptoms since age 15, that would make it a 40+ year span. In linked article describing SLE, they talk about a survival rate in United States, Canada, and Europe of approximately 95% at five years, 90% at 10 years, and 78% at 20 years. What kind of rate does that leave somebody after 40+ years, you ask yourself?
In my mum's case, she wasn't (correctly) diagnosed until many years later, which is a blessing in disguise. Pregnancy is a high risk in the case of this illness, I'm glad she didn't know before, otherwise, I wouldn't be here today.
But on the other hand she's never been one to blindly do as told, she's always been a feisty woman. Maybe as a result of having to fight pains all her adult life.
This brings me back to the guy I was reading about, I know him personally too. I just can't imagine how it is to be in your late teens and be told that you have a degenerative and fatal disease. I'm quite sure he's had (and still has) his bad moments, but nonetheless he still soldiers on. Still looks for challenges and opportunities in stead of just giving up and living from day to day.
He still goes and studies and wants to help others, to give back. In the time I've known him, I haven't seen him with a frown on his face, he's always trying to cheer others up. Maybe it's his way of cheering himself up too.
For once, I don't even know where I'm trying to go with this blog. Maybe all I'm trying to say is, don't let yourself be beaten down. and if you know somebody with a chronic disease or some other kind of limitation, don't forget that they are still individuals like you and I, not a case-number, not some anonymous statistic. Help, when help truly needed and when asked for, just like you would do to any other good friend.
And meanwhile, live each day as if it could be your last. If you love somebody, don't wait till tomorrow to tell them for tomorrow may never come.
March 14, 2010
Times flies, and other such trite remarks
I just realised how long it's been since I wrote anything on my blog. It's not as if there is nothing to blog about, but it's more a question of "where to start?"
A lot has been happened since my last blog. In this particular blog, I will tell a bit about (primarily) couchsurfing related stuff that's been happening.
Aforementioned meeting took place the last weekend of November and the first weekend of December I was already attending a CS meeting in Zagreb.
After returning home, I decided to stay involved, albeit a bit less than before. Nowadays, I mostly attend the bi-weekly meetings in my hometown.
As if to test my resolve, I was invited to another meeting to celebrate the New Year. This meeting took place in Belgium and was organised by a very bubbly and nice girl I met at the CSinterklaas meeting in Rotterdam. True to the spirit of NYE, we ate and drank a lot. We sure had fun trying to open fresh oysters without a special knife and without hurting ourselves.
Not CS-related but worth mentioning is meeting my former colleague and fellow blogger Johan the next day in Antwerp. While I still can say that I like the city, I have learned to see it through his eyes and have gained a new appreciation for it.
I still have the thank-you mail in my draft folder, but I hereby thank you openly. It was nice seeing you again and I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.
I still have the thank-you mail in my draft folder, but I hereby thank you openly. It was nice seeing you again and I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.
The last couchsurfing related bit of news is the return visit I got from my CS-friend from Zagreb. His visit goes to show that you can plan all you can, but things have a way of going completely in the other direction. His trip was planned beforehand, but at the last minute so much changed on my side of things that it was a real challenge for me to make sure he enjoyed his trip. I sincerely hope he did.
Not only couchsurfing related things happened to me the past couple of months, but they were the easiest to start with for now. I will try and write another blog soon about the other things that have been going on.
At the moment, I’m back in Dortmund visiting friends and have a great time. With all that has been happening, I really needed this weekend.
September 19, 2009
Blog moving house
In just a bit over a month, I will need to renew "curdsign.com". After thinking things over, I decided that this will be the last time that I renew this domain.
This domain name is a remnant of a time and place past. I reclaimed and used it, only because the domain name I have now was not available. Since registering Inesia.net, there is no real need to hold on to this old domain name, there is no intrinsic value in it, not any sentimental value.
As the first step in this process, this blog moved from myblog.curdsign.com to myblog.inesia.net. further steps will include disabling of the email capabilities between now and the coming 6 months.
If I decide to pursue any commercial activities in the future, I'll register another more meaningful domain name.
I sure hope this first change goes well.
This domain name is a remnant of a time and place past. I reclaimed and used it, only because the domain name I have now was not available. Since registering Inesia.net, there is no real need to hold on to this old domain name, there is no intrinsic value in it, not any sentimental value.
As the first step in this process, this blog moved from myblog.curdsign.com to myblog.inesia.net. further steps will include disabling of the email capabilities between now and the coming 6 months.
If I decide to pursue any commercial activities in the future, I'll register another more meaningful domain name.
I sure hope this first change goes well.
September 15, 2009
Mistaken Relationship
A couple of months ago, I wrote how I had met this wonderful guy who summarized all I have been missing in my previous relationships.
I just realized that I forgot to post any update on that.
I guess life wanted to teach me yet another lesson, namely that it doesn’t matter how many boxes someone ticks. Without love, it just doesn’t work.
There’s not much I can say about what happened. We had a wonderful time while it lasted. Unfortunately, it just didn’t last. Now we’re back to square one and trying to build a platonic friendship.
Having gone through the realization that it wouldn’t work, did cost me a lot of my self-esteem and caused some setbacks. But in the end, I had to remind myself that my happiness was not dependent on anybody but myself.
In no way am I saying that this was easy, it cost me a lot of energy and pain, but I’m getting there.
I do ask myself why I never learn. The thing is that, no matter how much I try, I can not enjoy being intimate with someone I don’t feel some connection with. I guess I must be old-fashioned or something.
This blog is short and has no real reason for being, just me rambling on a bit. Hope you liked it anyway.
September 11, 2009
Relevance
It’s been a while since I sat down to write something to for my blog. While I had a lot to say, not much of it had any relevance for people other than myself. This last week I finally found something worth voicing my opinion about.
As a member of the couchsurfing community, I’ve been following a thread about whether we should tell our guests that we’re gay or not. There are nearly as many different opinions on the matter as there are participants in this whole thread. This thread was started over a month ago and is still going on.
This had led me to ask myself my personal reasons for volunteering personal information or not. When do I tell someone my nationality, ethnicity, age or sensual preference?
It has taken me over a month to finish writing this blog, because I couldn’t answer abovementioned question for myself. I kept coming up with different answers for different situations.
In the end I remember something my mum taught me. I am who I am, and those who don’t like it can take a hike. This in no way means that I set out to antagonize. I still think it would be foolish to go into a highly bigoted country, or city, and rub my sexuality under their nose. The same goes for people. People who are very bigoted or highly judgmental, don’t go past being acquaintances.
By no means do I kid myself into thinking that alert people will mistake me for being straight, I’m too much at ease with myself to hide my true self. I *do* turn my head to look at hot guys, just like a heterosexual man would turn and look at the ladies.
On the other hand, I’m sure that this might come as a shock to some of my readers. I’d say, you have to be pay more attention to what goes on around you.
In the end, my conclusion has to be that you have to be yourself and don’t allow anyone or anything to pressure you into any uncomfortable situation. It also takes some courage, to get the hell out of dodge when things start going pear-shaped.
July 11, 2009
The planning of a trip
It seems my ordeal on the bus on the way to Dortmund wasn’t enough to turn me off. I just booked a return ticket by bus to visit another city in September. I must be crazy or a glutton for punishment. (wink wink, nudge nudge.) Actually I’m neither. I just don’t want to pay more than necessary for my travels.
In the past year, I’ve become quite adept at planning trips, at least in Europe. So how do you plan such a trip?
When planning a trip, I use three criteria to help me determine my methods of transport. Efficiency, cost and comfort.
Being my efficient self, I checked the duration of the trips and the amount of changes needed for each trip. Both the train and bus would take nearly as long at around four and a half hours. But if I took the train, I’d have to change trains. This made the bus more efficient. The only down-side is that the bus can get stuck in traffic. This leaves cost and comfort to compare.
Not counting the mishap on the last trip, I think the bus wins on comfort. The seats are nicely padded and recline so you can have a nice kipper. Another issue for me as a lone traveller is luggage. On the bus, my luggage is stowed away so I don’t need to constantly keep an eye on it whilst travelling. Not needing to change busses, for this trip at least, means no chance of missing any connection. This translates into less stress. The air quality on the train wins on long trips. This is especially true if there is a window you can open.
Pricewise, the bus wins again. The cheapest fare I found with the bus was one-third the fare with the train. This leaves me more budget to spend in the city I’m visiting. I guess I can treat my hosts to another round of drinks. Here, I found no redeeming factors for the train.
The transport side of things taken care of, I needed to arrange accommodation. As I’m going to a couchsurfing meeting, I decided to hit the couchsurfing community and try to find a host for the duration of my stay. I was pleasantly surprised when, in less than an hour, I found two couchsurfers willing to host me. Either I was very lucky, or the CS (couchsurfing) community there is quite strong.
Where are you going? I hear you ask.
I’m going to enjoy the Braderie de Lille! Are you coming too?
You have a whole month to plan! ;)
July 6, 2009
Are you happy with your life?
I had a nice and enlightening phone call tonight. You know, those calls were you talk about anything and everything, trying to get more depth out of each other. In the middle of this call, I got dealt this curve-ball of a question. “Are you happy with you life the way it is now?”
Before answering this question, we have to define the idea behind the question. Did this person want to know if I’m:
- contented and complacent,
- happy with the way my life turned out,
- or did he want to know if I’m leading a happy life?
I’m not willing to spend the rest of my life like this, in the same routine. I guess this means that I’m not complacent about my life. I want more out of life than what I have now. It’s not my life ambition to look back in 30 years and see a life spent alone, going from one “relationship” to “relationship”. At the end of the journey, I want to be able to say that I made a difference in at least 2 people’s life.
Am I happy with the way things turned out? Hell yeah! I mean, it could have been a lot worse. When I decided some nine years ago to migrate to the Netherlands, I had no concrete plan, no saving, no job and no place to live. What I have achieved so far, I’ve done it myself. With hard work and determination. There have been ups and downs in the past years, but I’ve weathered the storms so far, with help of friends (and family). I may be a stubborn bugger, but I know when to ask for help and when to accept that helping hand.
The biggie is: Am I leading a happy life?
Why not? I have a job I’m happy with. Have (good) friends and am in relatively good health. Why should I dwell on the things that can be improved? Like my late grandparents would say “every house has its cross.”
My belief is that we need to take our lives in our own hands and at least make a real effort to change the things we don’t like. Not in a loose cannon kind of way, but by investing our energy in things that are worth our while.
I’m not a praying kind of person, but I find the Serenity Prayer to be a good thing to keep in mind.
- God grant me the serenity
- To accept the things I cannot change;
- Courage to change the things I can;
- And wisdom to know the difference. …
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