November 18, 2014

A long farewell.

Family is much more than those related to us by blood.  Our family is comprised of those who genuinely care for us. Those who embrace us and make us feel loved and appreciated. 

As I sit here in this hospital room, I realise how important this real family is. As I sit at a deathbed, I see the beauty of familial love and care. 

I see how a family goes out of it's way to make sure that a loved one doesn't die alone. I wasn't born into this family, I wasn't even legaly adopted into this family and still… We're a family. A family mourning together. 

A family showing their love and support. A family saying a long farewell. 

November 10, 2014

I don't need to know you

I don't need to know you, to feel the pain.
I don't need to know you, to be outraged.
I don't need to know you, to feel the loss.
I don't need to know you, to mourn you.

All I need, is EMPATHY to show I care

©2014 - N.J. Inesia

September 24, 2014

The Lotus Blooms

Reader discretion is advised:

This next piece is a translation of a text I wrote during my darkest hours. Thankfully, the moment is past and I can find strength in so much. After a lengthy thought process, I decided to publish it.

It's influences, both good and bad, run deep in my psyche and helped define my new frame of reference. The aim is not to shock, nor shame. The aim is to enlighten, to give food for thought. And if I can help just one person find him- or herself, it will be worth it all the more.

I don't have the strength to carry on. Where can I get it from? I'm tired, done for, the well has dried up. Most people get their strength and will to go on from their faith. That's not for me. I find it just a bit iffy, I can't base my life on that. As a consequence, my strength comes from my feeling of self-worth.  But... What if you feel like you're worth nothing? What if the balance is gone?
My job gave my life meaning. It's where I weigh my successes time and time again. Now I feel as if I've been there, done that... and somebody stole my T-shirt.
As a person, I realise that my ability to "take a licking and keep on ticking" is gone. Every time it's more difficult to get back my balance, my peace.
I'm not needed any more, there's nothing left for me to do. Life is a concatenation of failures, I keep loosing it all. Over and over again, I have to keep on struggling to hang in there and start all anew.
I can't do it any-more, I'm done. I'm stepping out.

As dire as the situation was. As dark as this period was, I found the strength and the will to hang in there. I'm giving a good fight. "Roll with the punches" is a lesson learned. 

Let us remember that from the foulest of ponds,
from the deepest mud, the Lotus blooms.

Rest assured, this is my PAST! A past I'm not stuck in, but neither is it a period I'm willing to forget.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" - George Santayana

It's been two and a half years. Thirty months of baby-steps, of taking life day by day. Of taking life by the horns and living it to the fullest. Coming to the realization that there is no shame in weakness has been so liberating and invigorating. 

I've learned to take the good with the bad. To be pro-active and anticipate. I also learned that sometimes in life we just have to:

August 15, 2014


Oigo voces,
Voces del pasado.
Voces memorables.
Memorias de buenos tiempos.
De tiempos pasados con amigos.
Amigos queridos y del alma.
Alma que tiene memoria.
Memoria de voces.
Voces de mi pasado. 
Voces que tenĂ­a tiempo sin oir. 

June 19, 2014


I am more than the sum of my years.
I am more than the size of my ears.

I am more than the colour of my skin.
I am more, because of my kin.

I am more than the size of my body.
I am more because I am somebody.

I am more, even if you find me fat.
I am more, just remember that.

I am more than any bully will ever be.
I am more, just because I am me.

June 15, 2014

Reach out...

People come and people go.
People all around you.
Yet nobody listens.
Yet nobody sees.

You walk and walk.
You stumble through life.
Like a blind man.
Like a man without a clue.

You trip and fall.
You sit there and cry.
A stranger sits with you.
A stranger no more.

Reach out your hand.
Reach out your love.
Together you get up
Together you walk.

June 11, 2014

Every day

Every day is a Battle.
Every day is a Struggle.
You struggle against the Urge.

Every day is a Struggle.
Every day is a Battle.
You battle, to keep away from the abyss.

Every day is a Battle.
Every day is a Struggle.
You struggle every night, to keep on going.

Every day is a Struggle.
Every day is a Battle.
You battle every night, to not call it quits.

Every morning is a Victory.
A victory, just because.
You made it through the night.

*Dedicated to all who know the battle and understand the struggle.

May 30, 2014

Take control

We never have enough of it.
You don't have it, you make it.

Once wasted, you never get it back.
Invested wisely, it generates more.

It stops for no man, nor for any woman for that matter.
Yet a glimpse of that special someone is all you need to stop it.

Spend it with your loved ones,
And you get back happy memories.

We measure it, yet we never hold it.
We can capture moments, yet it still eludes us.

It's our master, we're it's slaves.
Because we allow it to be.



Voetenveeg, dat is wat ik ben
Elke keer, trap ik er weer in
Keer op keer, vergeet ik wie ik ben
Een nieuw begin, daar geloof ik dan weer in

Je wilt wel met me zijn
Maar, van die andere hou je?
Hoe kan ik zo dom zijn?
Ligt aan die bruine ogen van je

Spelletjes worden er gespeeld
Als je van me hield, dan zou je ...
Mijn liefde, dat wordt maar niet gedeeld
Al doe je me pijn, ik hou van je ...

March 20, 2014

Racism sucks

I could write a lot about the recent municipal election results, but I wont.

I'll just repeat a tweet and a facebook post and you'll know what I think about it:


That's all I'm going to say about this

January 11, 2014


As new calendars get bought and we all try to get used to writing c.q. typing 2014 in stead of 2014, it's as good a moment as any for a retrospective.

Someone on Facebook asked: 
"If you had a chance to write a letter to yourself and have it delivered twenty years ago, what advice would you give yourself?"
I had a thousand and one answers ready, all rooted  in what is socially expected and acceptable. but then, the implication of these answers hit me. Advising myself to do anything other than what I have already done, means regret.  

As we live and learn, we are formed and moulded. We are the sum of our past experiences, the result of all our interactions. The good and the bad, there is no shadow without light.  If we undo our past experiences, we undo the lessons we've learned, we change into someone else. Another version of ourselves. 

As so nicely song by Edith Piaf, Je ne regrete rien. 

Don't take this stance as me being callous in any shape, way or form. There are enough situations that could have been  handled more elegantly, leading to less people feeling hurt. It might have been better to not undertake some action, or to act (faster.) That is all true. But looking at it all in an ego-centric way and rooted in my actual present, I can't but say that I wouldn't have changed a single thing.

What I can say is that I hope we all live and learn.

Total Pageviews