This next piece is a translation of a text I wrote during my darkest hours. Thankfully, the moment is past and I can find strength in so much. After a lengthy thought process, I decided to publish it.
It's influences, both good and bad, run deep in my psyche and helped define my new frame of reference. The aim is not to shock, nor shame. The aim is to enlighten, to give food for thought. And if I can help just one person find him- or herself, it will be worth it all the more.
Strength?
I don't have the strength to carry on. Where can I get it from? I'm tired, done for, the well has dried up. Most people get their strength and will to go on from their faith. That's not for me. I find it just a bit iffy, I can't base my life on that. As a consequence, my strength comes from my feeling of self-worth. But... What if you feel like you're worth nothing? What if the balance is gone?
My job gave my life meaning. It's where I weigh my successes time and time again. Now I feel as if I've been there, done that... and somebody stole my T-shirt.
As a person, I realise that my ability to "take a licking and keep on ticking" is gone. Every time it's more difficult to get back my balance, my peace.
I'm not needed any more, there's nothing left for me to do. Life is a concatenation of failures, I keep loosing it all. Over and over again, I have to keep on struggling to hang in there and start all anew.
I can't do it any-more, I'm done. I'm stepping out.
As dire as the situation was. As dark as this period was, I found the strength and the will to hang in there. I'm giving a good fight. "Roll with the punches" is a lesson learned.
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| Let us remember that from the foulest of ponds, from the deepest mud, the Lotus blooms. |
Rest assured, this is my PAST! A past I'm not stuck in, but neither is it a period I'm willing to forget.
"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" - George Santayana
It's been two and a half years. Thirty months of baby-steps, of taking life day by day. Of taking life by the horns and living it to the fullest. Coming to the realization that there is no shame in weakness has been so liberating and invigorating.
I've learned to take the good with the bad. To be pro-active and anticipate. I also learned that sometimes in life we just have to:
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