My blogs reflect my personal thoughts, my points of view, at a single point in history. I reserve the right to change my mind after I've had more time to think things over and have had more information on the matter.
They might offend, they might shame. But rest assured, that will never be the aim.
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Family is much more than those related to us by blood. Our family is comprised of those who genuinely care for us. Those who embrace us and make us feel loved and appreciated.
As I sit here in this hospital room, I realise how important this real family is. As I sit at a deathbed, I see the beauty of familial love and care.
I see how a family goes out of it's way to make sure that a loved one doesn't die alone. I wasn't born into this family, I wasn't even legaly adopted into this family and still… We're a family. A family mourning together.
A family showing their love and support. A family saying a long farewell.
I don't need to know you, to feel the pain.
I don't need to know you, to be outraged.
I don't need to know you, to feel the loss.
I don't need to know you, to mourn you.
This next piece is a translation of a text I wrote during my darkest hours. Thankfully, the moment is past and I can find strength in so much. After a lengthy thought process, I decided to publish it.
It's influences, both good and bad, run deep in my psyche and helped define my new frame of reference. The aim is not to shock, nor shame. The aim is to enlighten, to give food for thought. And if I can help just one person find him- or herself, it will be worth it all the more.
Strength? I don't have the strength to carry on. Where can I get it from? I'm tired, done for, the well has dried up. Most people get their strength and will to go on from their faith. That's not for me. I find it just a bit iffy, I can't base my life on that. As a consequence, my strength comes from my feeling of self-worth. But... What if you feel like you're worth nothing? What if the balance is gone? My job gave my life meaning. It's where I weigh my successes time and time again. Now I feel as if I've been there, done that... and somebody stole my T-shirt. As a person, I realise that my ability to "take a licking and keep on ticking" is gone. Every time it's more difficult to get back my balance, my peace. I'm not needed any more, there's nothing left for me to do. Life is a concatenation of failures, I keep loosing it all. Over and over again, I have to keep on struggling to hang in there and start all anew. I can't do it any-more, I'm done. I'm stepping out.
As dire as the situation was. As dark as this period was, I found the strength and the will to hang in there. I'm giving a good fight. "Roll with the punches" is a lesson learned.
Let us remember that from the foulest of ponds, from the deepest mud, the Lotus blooms.
Rest assured, this is my PAST! A past I'm not stuck in, but neither is it a period I'm willing to forget.
"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" - George Santayana
It's been two and a half years. Thirty months of baby-steps, of taking life day by day. Of taking life by the horns and living it to the fullest. Coming to the realization that there is no shame in weakness has been so liberating and invigorating.
I've learned to take the good with the bad. To be pro-active and anticipate. I also learned that sometimes in life we just have to:
As new calendars get bought and we all try to get used to writing c.q. typing 2014 in stead of 2014, it's as good a moment as any for a retrospective.
Someone on Facebook asked:
"If you had a chance to write a letter to yourself and have it delivered twenty years ago, what advice would you give yourself?"
I had a thousand and one answers ready, all rooted in what is socially expected and acceptable. but then, the implication of these answers hit me. Advising myself to do anything other than what I have already done, means regret.
As we live and learn, we are formed and moulded. We are the sum of our past experiences, the result of all our interactions. The good and the bad, there is no shadow without light. If we undo our past experiences, we undo the lessons we've learned, we change into someone else. Another version of ourselves.
As so nicely song by Edith Piaf, Je ne regrete rien.
Don't take this stance as me being callous in any shape, way or form. There are enough situations that could have been handled more elegantly, leading to less people feeling hurt. It might have been better to not undertake some action, or to act (faster.) That is all true. But looking at it all in an ego-centric way and rooted in my actual present, I can't but say that I wouldn't have changed a single thing.
What I can say is that I hope we all live and learn.
